the pit

So, back from the doctor, and there might be some hope after all. I have to jump through a few hoops first (ie: try another Rx or two), but she’s willing to give me the IUD if nothing else works. I’ll have to be carefully monitored for a while to make sure I don’t end up with PID. But there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel…I just have to get through the tunnel.

Here’s to hoping I can hold onto my sanity long enough.

Goin to the doc tomorrow

I’m sick of feeling like hell all the time. I’ve been in this cycle of rage->sad->rage->sad->rage->sad->sleep for almost 3 months. Every so often I’ll hit a somewhat manic stage and I go into a weird self-denial of my condition (like, PROBLEM? WHAT PROBLEM? I’M FINE! WATCH ME CLEAN MY WHOLE APARTMENT TOP TO BOTTOM!! I DON’T NEED SLEEP! I’M NOT DEPRESSED AT ALL! IT WAS JUST A PHASE!).

Fucking hormones. I’m already predisposed to depression (possibly mild bipolar disorder) and the birth control just seems to drag it out and make it infinitely worse. Life was tolerable before the pill, now I can’t stand anything anymore. I don’t want to play games with trying out different pills because of how awful they make me feel. Plus, because I work for a Catholic hospital, I’m stuck with Catholic health insurance where they force their anti-women, breeder-nazi “morality” on me and I can’t get coverage for certain drugs (like birth control and some antidepressants) and it’s just too damned expensive. I wanted to get an IUD, but since I found out that I’m at risk for pelvic inflammatory disease, that option’s out.

I’m hoping the doctor will be able to come up with a solution for me. I don’t want kids. I really don’t. And you can be damn sure that abstinence is NOT an option. I just want to be a normal, happy person with a normal happy sex life.

The (Crazy) Pill

kneestogether:

There’s a period in my life I refer to as “The Bat Shit Crazy Era.” It’s the four-month block of time when I started taking birth control pills and subsequently lost my mind. I experienced outrageous mood swings, uncharacteristic crying fits, stopped speaking to my family, alienated all my friends, and contemplated suicide regularly.

It felt like I was on an emotional merry-go-round that had been hijacked by a sadistic clown.

I know it’s not uncommon for women to try several different pills before finding one that doesn’t send them off their rocker, but I wasn’t willing to take that risk. I wanted those hormones out of my system as soon as possible.

I’ve heard stories of women who don’t have any problems while taking the pill. Some find it actually helps with out of whack ovaries or hormonal imbalances. I’ve never had issues with acne or PMS or an irregular cycle, so I figure my hormones have themselves under control and it’s best not to mess with success.

The idea that a simple pill can alleviate worry about unplanned pregnancy is appealing, but my fears about returning to that awful time are too great.

While a great invention, I think decisions about birth control are made too flippantly these days. One hundred million women currently use oral contraceptives worldwide. With that kind of commonality, it’s easy to forget what a serious thing it actually is doing to your body.

The pill works by putting progestin, the hormone that stops ovulation during pregnancy, into your system. Basically, you’re tricking your body into thinking it’s always pregnant. That’s a serious thing to do.

At 19, I was able to walk into my college health centre and walk out, fifteen minutes later and $15 lighter, with a three-month pack of birth control pills. Nobody lectured me about condoms or STIs, no one warned me about potential side effects. When I expressed worry about weight gain or mood swings, I was told that the low-hormone pills of today don’t carry such risks.

Of course, the pill isn’t entirely to blame for my depression. There were a lot of contributing factors. But it didn’t help matters, and I’ve heard about similar experiences from many women.

Many girls start taking the pill near the end of their teens, just when they’re maturing into adults. The pill extends the teenage craziness, sending your hormones swinging.

I think it’s great that we live in a time where things like the pill exist and are accessible. But I think more attention needs to be paid to the effects of doing something so drastic to your body.

Since I only tried one pill, I can’t know if I would have had a different experience with another one. If I ever do decide to give hormonal contraceptives another chance, I’ll do it when I’m in a good place emotionally, and take great care to monitor my mood.

There is no ideal method, and what works best for one woman could be another’s nightmare. I think more discussion needs to happen with health care professionals, especially in the wake of gossip with girlfriends and Internet message board horror stories, so women can have reliable information about all the options, including non-hormonal alternatives, before they make a decision.

It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who can’t seem to tolerate hormones. I’ve tried about 4 different pills over the last 5 years without any success. I’ve had to quit every time because I would completely lose my mind.

Know what sucks about living alone?

There is no one around to rescue you when you’re hopelessly bored/depressed.